DEAR ABBY
by dg04
Summary: How exactly does Dumbledore know everything that goes on in Hogwarts?


It was a beautiful morning.

Albus Dumbledore was in a very good mood.

"Good Morning!!", He addressed the whole hall at large " I hope you all slept very well last night…ah,Ms.Bell, I hope Peeves didn't bother you last night ?"

"Oh no, Professor-I slept very well, thanks to you sir"

"Not at all, not at all", He waved his hand dismissively "I'm sure Peeves will find someone else to bother for at least a month before he goes back to Gryffindor Tower."

"He sure did…",groaned a bleary-eyed Terry Boot "Last night,He gave me and the rest of us guys hell at our dorm..."

"Yeah, the git had loads of fun screeching 'Pretty Witch' and did I mention he was wearing a red thong to go with his act?"

"Bloody hell..."

"I wonder whose thong that was,eh?Hmmm..."

None of them noticed a very red-faced Minerva Mcgonagall struggling with her bacon.

"So,Albus",Mcgonagall said, changing the topic"I've left some forms to be filled out on your desk and some letters from the ministry have arrived this morning too..."

"I shall get to them as soon as possible.Thanks very much for bringing them over, Professor"

"Not at all..."

"Well then, I must be getting to work",said Albus, laying down his fork and knife "Good day to you professor"

As he made his way through the hall, Minerva said,"I wish him best of luck-those letters did not look inviting...I don't see why he cant just chuck them into the fire considering they're all from the minister...can't that idiot not see that Albus is a very busy man?"

Harry Potter watched his Headmaster walk away from the hall.Ron who was watching Harry asked,"I wonder what Dumbledore does in his office?"

Harry whose eyes were still on his headmaster's back replied"Probably something very important to do with the Order..."

"Or",said Hermione,looking excited"He could be inventing some new spell or potion or enchantment or something...I mean, he is a genius after all!..."

Yes,everybody thought Albus Dumbledore was a very important man, a very busy man...

And he was, yes,Dumbledore had some very important plans for this morning and he wasn't going to let anybody disturb him.

He seated himself behind his desk and took out a sherbet lemon and popped it into his mouth.Hopefully it would last him for the next few hours...

He swiped off the forms that Minerva had placed from his desk and stuffed them in a drawer.He would deal with those later...Now he had very important mail to attend to..

He placed his quill near him and picked up the first letter and started reading..

**Dear Abby,**

**I have a problem. It's this... unfortunate habit of mine. I like to pee in the bath--Is that ok?**

**--Embarassed**

Dumbledore chuckled and started writing back-

_Dear Embarassed,_

_Don't worry about your problem because, believe me, I've heard of worse...compared to that, pee-ing in the bath is'nt so bad! In fact,I used to do a bit of that too-_

Gah!He could'nt write that!That was classified information, that was...But on second thought,why not?It was'nt like anybody KNEW it was the headmaster of Hogwarts,so...

Dumbledore finished writing

_Sure, people might think it a bit unsanitary(make sure you don't show this to Madam Pomfrey!!)but I think it's okay if you use 'Mrs.Skrowers--magical mess remover' afterwards...and your friends never need to know!!Happy pee-ing!!!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I is Dobby. Dobby the house-elf. I has a question,miss. How do you make the love of your life stop crying?**

**-Dobby**

Hmm.Now that was a question.How on earth do you make an over-hysterical _female_ house-elf stop crying?

Albus remembered his own Hogwarts days...Who did he ever go out with?He could'nt really recall..it seemed almost a century away.Oh wait, it was almost a century away...

Albus put his hand to his head trying to think...Oh wait,yes, there was- Georgia, Lydia, Susannah(wow,did he really get that lucky?) but for some reason it never worked out...he wondered why.

well, he supposed he should have known that a date in the _library_ was'nt exactly romantic.(the portrait of Phineas still teased him about that)..and that giving your girlfriend a goat on her birthday wasn't all that special (advice from Aberforth is the worst advice you can get,by the way)...Good god,no, he was'nt exactly the best person to ask for advice about love stuff...so what was he going to tell Dobby?

_Dear Dobby,_

_Why don't you do what you do best?You're a house-elf, Dobby.Why don't you just cook your female friend something yummy to eat and sing her some love songs-it might just work!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby**

**YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!**

**-LOADS OF LOVE AND DUNGBOMBS(open the next letter) FROM ZE ALMIGHTY PEEVES!!!!!!!!!**

Oh God. well,lets open the next after next letter then.(not taking any risks!)

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**Have you seen a..um, a bright red thong anywhere?If you have, I would appreciate it if you informed me about it.Thankyou.**

**Yours sincerely,**

**Maggie**

Dumbledore went red and wrote furiously(he just wanted to get to the next letter as quickly as possible)...

_Dear Maggie,_

_No I have'nt seen a thong anywhere and am (most probably) not likely to anytime in near future.I think Peeves has though.Why don't you ask him? Best of luck!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby**

**I am an exchange student from another country(I'd rather not tell where) and I seem to have a problem getting used to using toilet paper here(we used a bucket and mug back home-well, you get the pic)...It's like I can't get enough of it!I'm using up five rolls a day! and on top of that I have an upset stomach(NO,i'm not going to Madam Pomfrey-all my friends will laugh at me)...Please advice**

**-Upset(stomach)**

Dumbledore beamed.Now, these were problems he could REALLY relate to!At Hogwarts he was always having those kind of problems...(as Slughorn is only happy to remind him)

_Dear Upset,_

_I completely understand the difficulty of your situation and am pleased to inform you that I have a solution(It might be easier if you just went to Madam Pomfrey,though)...I knew someone who had a similar problem once...Anyways,what I'm trying to say is why don't you 'borrow'(note:NOT stealing) someone else's for a while??(My,uh..friend did it when they were in school so it should'nt be a problem)...'Happy Borrowing'!!!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**Is it possible(somehow) to join the headless hunt even if you are'nt exactly...well, headless?? (only half an inch and sinew holding my neck on!!!...)**

**-Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington**

Dumbledore sighed. For the millionth time in world...

_Dear Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington,_

_I'm really sorry I can't help you. Why don't you just forget about the whole thing? Or,I'll tell you what-Why don't you invent your own club? You can call it "The nearly-headless" club or "The head's still on" club or something? I'm sure it'll be very popular!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I just found out something really gross!! Yesterday I caught my friend urinating in the shower!!(I know because burst in on them accidently) Its so gross-I can't even take a bath anymore becuase of that!!!and i'm the type of person who has dirt phobia and stuff...should i confront my friend about this or should i just let it go?**

**-Grossed out**

Oh dear, why on earth didnt that kid lock the bathroom?!!

_Dear Grossed-out,_

_No, I don't think you should confront your friend about this(that would lead to one of the most embarassing conversations of the century). Instead, just tell them about your 'phobia' and use extra 'Mrs.Skrowers-magical mess remover'. cheers!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I is Winky who is writing tis letter to you. I am very upset. My friend Dobby is always giving me cake and singing tis horrible,horrible love songs that give me headaches. Please help miss, or else I will become so fat I will not be able to fit in my toga!!!**

**-Winky**

_Dear Winky,_

_Just go out with him already and maybe all of this will stop._

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Crabby Abby,**

**smelly poo,**

**Here's a love song**

**for yoooouu**

**hey spotty,**

**use the potty!(I mean it, you dope!)**

**where myrtles crying,**

**n you're lying**

**to her...**

**I know you're in love**

**with her...(higher pitch)**

**'cause you're a pair of l-**

Damn that stupid poltergeist!!!!

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I have a problem that I've not been able to solve for the past few years, so I was kinda hoping you'd solve it for me. Okay, it's about this teacher-(I'd rather not say his name) -He's really got it in for me. He hates me like hell and he keeps picking on me and making me nervous. And to make matters worse I suck at the subject...what do I do to make him stop picking on me?**

**-Nervous**

Hmm, if Severus ever knew about this- Dumbledore chuckled softly at his plan-it was so simple...yet so effective...

_Dear Nervous,_

_Ever tried Fred and George Weasley's Puking Pastilles?_

_-Abby_

* * *

**In Potions Class**

"Today you will be learning how to make the sneezing potion",said Professor Snape"Anybody wwho gets it wrong shall face my displeasure-" His eyes rested on Nevill maliciously...

Neville gulped.

"in detention"

He looked around the class. "Well, what are you waiting for?Get to work!!"

Everybody sprang into action. Neville was finding the instructions on the board very hard to follow and he really could'nt see-not with all of this smoke that's fogging up the whole dungeon...Oh,no Snape just glanced his way...picking on Harry on the way...

Nevill started sweating.Did he say stir Clockwise or Anti-clockwise??And was he supposed to add 3leeches or porcupine hairs?? He wished Hermione was there to help him...Oh no-

Snape stood in front of his potion,sneering. "What is this mess,Longbottom?"

Neville mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"Itching potion,sir"

"Oh really? You know what you're going to be doing this saturday,Longbottom?"

Neville coughed.(covering his mouth as he did so)

"sorry,Did'nt catch that"

"I said I was-_bleeeeuuuucccchhh!!!",_vomitted Neville(all over Professor Snape)

Snape recoiled"AAARRGGHH-WHAT'VE YOU DONE YOU STUPID BOY??!HAVE YOU COMPLETELY-"

To which Neville responded by throwing up some more, this time on Malfoy who was desperately trying to _evanesco _all the vomit(I'll save you sir-I'll-UUURRRGGGHH!!!!)

This was too much for all the Gryffindors.Tears were streaming from Harry's eyes,Ron was howling at the next table and Seamus and Dean were rolling on the floor.Even Hermione was half-amused by the whole thing.(The Slytherins on the other hand, were all making a bee-line for the door.)

Malfoy was positively howling."LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU IDIOT!!!IIIIITS ALL OVER MY ROBES!1WHEN MY FATHER HEARS-NNGGGHHKKKAKAKA-!",he screamed incapable of using proper english anymore.

Then suddenly,Neville stopped vomitting."So sorry",He panted. Snape looked ready to kill.

The bell rang. The gryffindors fled past the vomit covered Snape and Malfoy(who was still incapable of using a language known to mankind-"KNSHDBRBRRRRYPOOPOO!")

Neville was the hero of the common room that night-there was a party,food was stolen from the kitchens, banners had been put up and a zillion re-enactments of 'the vomit disaster' were done.

"_Thanks Abby-I owe you...",_thought Neville later in bed and with a smile on his face, he fell asleep.

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**How do you kill a damned poltergeist?**

**-The Caretaker of Hogwarts**

_Dear Caretaker,_

_Very good question, but I have no idea._

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**There's a toilet-paper stealer in the Guys dorm...somewhere...And its getting bad over here cause of the stink...and none of the girls will go out with us either.My own girlfriend broke up with me!!! Is there any way to solve this whole problem??**

**-The boy's half from Gryffindor house**

Ah.

_Dear Boy's from Gryffindor,_

_Ever tried 'borrowing' the girl's toilet paper? Yes, I know you can't get in there,of course but why don't you try summoning it? Just a thought._

_-Abby_

* * *

**Meanwhile in Gryffindor house...**

"RON WEASLEY GIVE ME MY TOILET PAPER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!",screamed Hermione Granger.

"Nah, I don't think so",said Ron,dangling it out of her reach"I think we need it more than you do...poor Neville is desperate(and so are we by the way-do you have any idea how constipated all the guys are?)"

"I DON'T CARE-GIVE IT NOW!!!!!!"

"Oh so there's where all our toilet paper's dissapearing off to!",said Parvati Patil,accusingly.

"Yeah, we were wondering where it all went",said Ginny cooly,cracking her knuckles treatheningly.

Lavender took a step forward,her face murderous"Do you have any idea how much trouble we had to go through,Boys?"

Another girl stepped forward."I think they need to be taught a lesson"

More and more girls were crowding around now."I agree",said one of them.

Peeves appeared(a bundle of toilet paper wrapped around his head)"Ooooh fighty fighty!"

"Well what are we waiting for,girls?LET'S GET THEM!!!!!"

Ron let out a high-pitched scream"Save me Harry!!"

Seamus stepped forward."Ladies,Ladies",he said in a soothing voice"Now, don't you think we're just a tad bit over-reacting over here?"

"Yeah",said Harry"now do you _really_ think this is all worth it?"

"I agree-hehe,Can't we all just sit down and talk about this like civilised human beings?"asked Dean.

Peeves face fell.

There was silence for a moment when-

"NO!!!"

"Lets get them!!"

Peeves was dancing in the air"YES YES FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!!!!"

"ACCIO!!!" screamed Hermione,summoning the roll of toilet paper from Ron's hands.

"ACCIO!!",shouted Seamus,summoning it back.

"YAY!!",said Peeves.

"ACCIO",screamed Romlida

"ACCOI!!!I mean-ACCIO!!!",screamed Neville

"ACCIO!!!",screamed Lavender

"WOOHOO!!!!" yelled Peeves

"ACCIO!!!",yelled Harry,(catching it while Hermione screamed"That's not fair!!!!I taught him that spell!!I TAUGHT HIM!!!!)

"ACCIO!!!"shrieked Ginny

Peeves then took down the bundle of toilet paper from his own head and was strangling Denis Creevey with it in celebration.

"ACCIO",shouted Ron

"ACCIO",yelled Dean"oops"

"ACCIO!!"summoned Katie (Ron was shouting at Dean"You were'nt supposed to take it from me,you dope!!!")

"I LOVE THIS LIFE!!!"yelled Peeves

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I'm kinda unemployed now so I was wondering ifwould you be interested in hiring assistants to help you with answering all that mail?Because I could help in giving out really juicy answers(yours are a bit dry,sometimes)...think about it.**

**-Rita Skeeter**

_Dear Rita,_

_Nice try, but Abby's identity is supossed to be secret and secret it will remain...So,I'm sorry-I can't hire you but I hear the 'Quibbler' is happy to hire anybody who would like to see their name in print.Why don't you try them? cheers!_

_-Abby_

* * *

**Dear Abby,**

**I is Dobby,writing again to you miss.I is only wanting to thank miss Abby for her advice for Dobby-Winky has accepted Dobby!!(She wears earmuffs all the time though-I wonder why?)We is getting married in 6 months and is going for a honeymoon in Hawai!!!It would be a great honour if miss Abby would come to the wedding.Thank you for everything miss!!!**

**-Dobby**

_Dear Dobby,_

_I was just doin my job,Dobs. Just doing my job.And since this is my job it is very important to keep my identity secret,so I'm sorry I can't come to your wedding. Congrats to you and Winky though!!! (If you can,save me a piece of cake!)_

_-Abby_

* * *

Dumbledore sighed happily.Another day has come and gone and he helped make a difference at beloved Hogwarts...everybody must be so thankful...it was such a great feeling... 

Little did he know that somehwere in the castle- kids were chasing each other for toilet paper,a slytherin boy was still not capable of speaking proper english due to disgusted shock,A teacher was looking desperately for a red thong which now happened to be with the giant squid,Two house-elves were arguing whether apparition or the Knight Bus was faster to get to Hawaii and a Caretaker was trying to murder a poltergeist using a broomstick...

Still, this is a beautiful world,eh?


End file.
